Tuesday, June 28, 2011


In 1977 George Burns was chosen to "play" God in the film "Oh God!" and was hailed as the perfect representation of the Almighty. His sidekick in the movie was singer John Denver who was hailed as the perfect representation of a "regular guy" who was kind of middle of the road when it came to his faith. God Burns shows up to tell Denver he has a message to spread and needs his help. After Denver reluctantly agrees to be "the messenger and not the message" his life gets turned upside down and all sorts of wild events play out as the masses and media cannot grasp the fact that God has returned, picked a supermarket manager to be a modern day Moses and the opposition to "the message" lands Denver in court. Experts in the form of modern day theologians and preachers dissect Denver's efforts and in the end, God finally comes into the courtroom, does a few magic tricks and disappears. The movie ends with more questions than answers. For a movie done about 35 years ago the underlying theme still stands. God gets a bad wrap for starting wars, allowing hunger, divorce, layoffs, 100 plus years of Cubs losing seasons and tsunamis.
God is also the most often used word when damming or blessing someone, having an orgasm or instilling fear when it comes to making a deposit in church. Tough gig..the God thing. I have alot of questions I want to ask God, so I put in a request and God said five questions would be a good start. So I have posted the questions and answers for your consumption.

ME- Thanks for your time today God..I appreciate it.-
GOD- No problem really- but I am on a time constraint-keeping an eye on some fault lines.

ME- So my first question is....frankly...the world seems to be going to Hell in a hand basket. Whats the deal?
GOD- First- you could never fit the world into a hand basket-secondly Hell is not what you have been told it is. Third-there is no deal. You can do whatever you want-just gets a bit tiresome when you use your free will and choice to screw things up and then either a) blame me or b) ask me to fix it. Either way you are missing the point and the truth of what I AM.

ME- Huh OK...second question why do so many people think you are a man? Are you a man?
GOD..I am a man. I am a woman. I am a child. I AM WHAT I AM- like Popeye said. I am the wind, the water, the wood. There is no place that I am not- unless you decide that I don't belong. Men wrote about me so they made Me in their image...its the other way around.

ME..Hmmm OK so why do so many people, mostly politicians and TV evangelists use the word God to either instill fear or ...well.. instill fear.
GOD- Choice. What will you be? God Fearing or God Blessed? Its a control thing-an illusion of power. Someone that appears to know more about me than the person they are speaking to holds the power over them. True evolution would be to find ME within YOU and then listen to inside-not outside. I come as standard equipment at birth and free of charge. The only price you pay is when you don't listen.

ME- wow...like that.
GOD. I get it right most of the time..
ME-OK question 4..do you really care if your name appears on a sign, or money or pledge?
GOD-Next question.
ME...Excuse me? Sorry God but ...
GOD- Last night in Las Vegas someone lost their home and entire savings by betting lots of green pieces of paper with a dead president on it and "In God We Trust" printed on it. That same night some drug addict rolled up a twenty dollar bill and snorted coke right past the "In God We Trust" and a little later a hooker gave a guy oral sex for one hundred bucks with "In God We Trust" while she moaned for money "Oh God baby give it to me." Want me to continue?
ME- I get it.
GOD..Good..the most important place to put me is in your heart...everything else is a bumper sticker to me.
ME- Last question..
GOD..Thank God..uh no pun intended.
ME..Wow..does prayer work?
GOD...I don't know.
ME..WHAAAAT? How could you not know?
GOD...Listen...you cannot get any closer to me than you are right now. You cannot buy me closer, pray me closer or bribe me closer. So to pray "out there" for me to do something on your behalf is counterproductive. You want me to cure cancer? Stop smoking or filling the air and water with filth. You want me to send you more money? Keep the flow going by giving what you have to someone else first. You want me to improve your marriage? Quit trying to fix the other person and work on you. You want me to end hunger? Then remove the dictators from office that keep grain on the docks. You want me to end suffering? No way...because then you would never know how much I really love you when you get through it. You have everything in the world you could ever need to create a life you can imagine. Its not easy-but not supposed to be. Time for you all to grow up a bit and understand this. What you put out comes back, what goes around comes around and if you always do what you have always done, then you will always get what you have always got.
ME...thank you...very much...
GOD-thank you ...all of you because its through you that I braille the world. You are my eyes, my ears, my hands and my heart.
GOD..Yeah I know cool huh? Gotta go...wanna catch the rest of the Cubs-Giants double header.
ME..Uh God...could you possibly help the Cubs..ya know.
GOD...Ahahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahaha. NO

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